Disclaimer #1: The Guy and I are NOT considering getting engaged. We merely had one of those conversations last night that started out with the Super Bowl, went inexplicably to tranquilizers (?), took a sharp left at wisdom teeth, veered off into funny wedding stories and ended up on one of my soapbox topics.
Disclaimer #2: As always, the following relates strictly to a personal choice. I am not condemning anyone else’s decisions. Unless you kick puppies or something equally horrible, I do not and will never have anything to say about what you do as opposed to what I do.
So last night, The Guy and I got on the subject of engagement rings.
I…well, I need to tell you something that may…give you pause. Shock you, even. You might want to sit down. Maybe remove all sharp objects from your immediate surroundings.
Ready?
OK. Here goes.
I do not want a diamond engagement ring.
Heee! The Guy HATES IT when I do that!
(Which is probably why I enjoy it so.)
But I’m serious, really. I don’t want a diamond. Oh, it’s not that I don’t like diamonds. I mean, c’mon, they’re DIAMONDS! They’re beautiful and sparkly and EXPENSIVE! I’ve owned diamonds before, and I still have a couple, actually. Believe me, I’m not about to get rid of them. But I don’t want a diamond engagement ring.
Why?
(In no particular order)
1. If you’ve seen the movie Blood Diamond, then you know the diamond trade contributes, in some cases, to financing insurgent and terrorist organizations. Additionally, diamond mines notoriously employ child labor. To top it all off, diamond mining is terrible for the environment.
2. I have no interest in perpetuating the notion that a multi-thousand-dollar chunk of carbon somehow magically legitimizes a relationship. Let’s say your fiance is a grad student and can’t afford a diamond ring. Your friend’s boyfriend is a stock broker and buys her a $20,000 rock. Is her relationship better than yours? More stable? Is she making a better decision? There’s no way to know, of course, but the diamond industry would have you believe otherwise.
3. An engagement ring, ANY engagement ring, is merely a symbol for something much more important: your partner asking you to make a commitment to love him (or her), marry him (or her) and stay with him (or her) for the rest of your life. Too often, women get hung up on THE RING THE RING OMG THE RING and forget that a proposal isn’t about your partner giving you a GIFT; it’s about your partner asking you to make a PROMISE. In other words, the gift is lovely, but the promise is the point.
4. I’m a different kind of girl; I want a different kind of ring.
5. I’m not rich, and though I have tried (OH LORD, HAVE I TRIED), I have never fallen in love with a rich man. There are about 1001 things I’d much rather have (as well as things I need much more) than a ring. Personally, I’d rather my fiance put that money toward our new house, a kick-ass honeymoon or even our wedding than a ring that I’m probably going to knock the stone out of in three days anyway. (As Amanda Palmer says, I’m not the careful-est of girls.)
6. Have you heard this s–t about how a man should spend the equivalent of three months’ salary on an engagement ring?! I told The Guy last night, “If you spent three months’ salary on a piece of damn JEWELRY, we would have to have a serious talk about WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.” Even if The Guy was a multi-gabillionaire, I’d rather him donate three months’ salary to charity than fritter it away on a RING.
7. I would estimate that about four days out of every week, there is SOMETHING on my body that came from Goodwill. I drive a Honda Fit. I reuse Ziploc bags and dryer sheets. I keep my thermostat at 68 degrees during the winter. Do I SEEM like the kind of girl who wears big honkin’ diamonds?
8. One of the coolest things I ever heard of was from a friend who got married when she and her husband were young and poor. They couldn’t afford traditional wedding bands, so they bought each other regular old costume-jewelry rings and used those instead. They’re older now and financially pretty successful, but she still doesn’t have a diamond ring. Rather, she and her husband buy each other “wedding rings” all the time – just pretty or interesting rings they see when they’re out shopping. Some cost a few dollars, and some cost a few hundred dollars. She estimates that she has about 80 “wedding rings” in her collection. It doesn’t matter to them that most of their rings aren’t recognizable as wedding rings – they know what they mean.
9. I have been known to change clothes six times in one day. Nevertheless, I know in my heart I can commit to the right man for the rest of my life. One ring, I’m not so sure about.
You know she would.
The Guy, playing devil’s advocate, pointed out the obvious:
1. You can buy certified conflict-free diamonds. And vintage diamonds certainly aren’t going to do any more harm to the environment.
2. An engagement ring (one that is recognizable as such) is an outward symbol of your commitment to your partner and therefore has some value to both of you.
3. Diamonds do not have to be ostentatious and large enough to signal passing ships.
When it comes down to it, though, I think the guy who wants to marry me will know what to do. He’ll figure it out.
…
Or maybe I’ll ask him and skirt the ring issue altogether.
Your not conflict-free
Kel
Enjoyed reading this Kelly. Some good points, although I do love my engagement and wedding rings. That said, my original engagement ring was lost a few years back -and you know what? The longer I am married to my man and the more I understand what true love and commitment are (we are always learning) the less I care about the actual physical rings. I vividly remember when I worked for IBM some women talking about how they “wouldn’t accept” less than two carats for “their” ring. I, on the other hand, would have married Gordon if he had presented me with a ring fashioned out of tin foil. Go figure!
Oh, girl, I don’t know if you remember this, but in our college days, Ginger and I used to joke, “If it’s less than two carats, don’t bother asking.”
WHAT BRATS!
On the other hand, I think you have to do what makes both of you happy. When The Guy and I had this conversation last night, he seemed a little…well, disappointed. Turns out he’s pretty traditional when it comes to this stuff. I got the impression that he was looking forward to saving his money and, one day, presenting his dream girl with a diamond ring.
(Case in point: we were looking at a friend’s wedding photos the other night. They had a fairly casual “day” wedding, and the groom wore a gorgeous gray Armani suit. The Guy said, “That’s a great suit, but I wouldn’t want to wear that on my wedding day.” I asked why not, and he said he’s always wanted to wear a classic tux when he got married.)
Truth to tell, if The Guy and I end up together for the long haul, and purchasing a classic engagement ring would make him happiest, I’m sure we could find something to suit us both, whether that’s a gemstone or a custom tinfoil creation
I have to agree- if my engagement hadn’t been so out of the blue, I probably would have brought that up. (Not that I don’t love my ring- Nathan did good!) But really, all that matters is the commitment, not the bling.
However, I have told Nathan that one of these days I am going to make him design me a new ring and I am going to design new wedding bands. I love the idea of wearing stuff we made!
Isn’t your ring vintage? Or is it just designed to look like an antique? In either case, it’s beautiful. Nathan did GREAT.
You know I’ve got an angle here, right? I don’t care for diamonds, two of my best friends are jewelry designers who work with semi-precious stones…
You do the math
I’m definitely a non-diamond girl in theory. I don’t care about the non-humane aspects of diamonds (sorry), but I do think it’s stupid that we’ve assigned random value to this chunk of glass-looking stuff, both monetarily and emotionally.
And yet, when I think about how much three months of Kamran’s salary is, I get really excited about what kind of ring he could buy me. EVEN THOUGH I TOTALLY DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT GETTING MARRIED. One time, we designed a ring on a jewelry site, and when it came to $12k, he said, “That’s peanuts.” HOTT!!
Basically what I’m saying is that I don’t care about the commitment; I just like expensive things. Don’t judge me!
See? That’s what I like about you. You’re up-front about it, and that makes it OK.
And for all my railing against overpriced consumer goods, you know I’d fall all over myself if The Guy proposed to me with a pair of Manolos.
I think your take on it is an interesting spin. Being engaged twice, I’ve had two diamond rings (three, if you count the guilt ring my ex-husband gave me, to upgrade my then-existing wedding ring). But, I think the ring is more of a sign of my commitment to Rob when I’m out in public without him. I guess a band would be just as good, but then people would assume I’m married, because bands are more a symbol of marriage. Anyway, I like that you are different. We should all be so accomodating to everyone’s different interests and opinions. I’m sure whatever you decide to do when that day comes will be perfect for you, and that’s really all that matters.
And the referenece to your friend – would she be Dooce? She said the exact same thing about her and John’s wedding rings once.
That was one of The Guy’s main points, and it’s one that’s hard to argue with – traditional engagement rings tell the world that you’re off the market, whereas bands usually signify that you’re already married.
Thanks for the kind words about being different. You’d be surprised how many of my female acquaintances are AGHAST when I tell them my views on engagement rings!
It must be a Taurus thing, because I felt the same way when I got married. It’s the relationship, not the ring. That three months’ salary thing is diamond industry greed talking.
WE SOUL SISTAHS, MER!
That “A Diamond is Forever” slogan really gets on my nerves. Uh, no. A diamond can get flushed down the toilet, stuck in a pool drain or swallowed by a dog. The marriage, on the other hand? IT is supposed to be forever.
True love can never be eaten by a Chihuahua.
you know youd still squeel like a pig if you got a diamond. dont lie.
Because of Lea, Im learning more about diamonds. And dont pretend blood diamonds dont get your rocks off. For all girls, the bloodier the better. Thats what i think.
also the only reason people originally put so much behind the expensive ring thing is that men who dont necessairly have the money who put it into a ring are more serious about the outcome of the relationship then say someone who has a bunch of money that buys the same size ring as the poor man.
Right now a 3 months salary of a ring from me would still be a shitty ring.
Three months of MY salary probably wouldn’t buy ANY diamond ring, not even a shitty one.
I could probably get a pretty sweet “diamonique,” though.
A Macbook Pro would make me squeal louder, though…
(Especially if I got one of those super-sweet 30-inch flat-panel HD monitors.)
…Too bad that costs damn near as much as a diamond ring. Sigh.
Oh, but you’re right about one thing: I wouldn’t give a rat’s patootie if they set baby otters on fire to make Macbooks. I’d still want one, I think.
I love how brave you are to be different! I don’t remember if I’ve told you (or written elsewhere), but Tom proposed with a heart-shaped candy machine ring and included in his proposal that it was for me to put on a silver necklace to remind me of the day he proposed (which I did, and it does). It was quite romantic. He wanted to wait til I could pick one out, but wanted the proposal to be a surprise.
My wedding/”official” engagement ring combo is very basic – a medium-ish sized diamond (1/2 c, maybe?) on a platinum band and a plain platinum band as the wedding part.
I chose traditional because that’s what was right for *me*, but I think it is really, really cool to do something different, and the reasons you have are the absolute best to do it that way. I told Tom when we were dating that I’d say yes to a twistie tie around my finger, and I meant it!
I’m going to find out if it’s possible to nominate Tom for knighthood or sainthood or general badasshood. For REALS.
Thanks so much, sweetie! But see my reply to Avidchick (above) – Bachelor Girls always have a plan
Tom loved this comment, btw.
I have for quite awhile pictured you with a square cut sapphire or something like that for an engagement ring…
The older we get, the less the material stuff really matters. I’m not sure if that’s b/c I can afford a little more of the material stuff now? Remember that Christmas where every gift Nate and I gave each other came from Fred’s, and we had separately used their sale paper, thus unknowingly purchasing each other pretty much the exact same gifts?:)
That said, I still love love love my rings, esp the big 3 stone past/present/future ring. Not a day goes by that I don’t admire it at least once, truth be told! I like the idea of passing it on to Doo one day too.
Oh, make no mistake: this isn’t a rant against materialism. If I could afford to, I’d own every single product Apple makes. That 30-inch flat-panel HD monitor I mentioned to Casey (above) costs as much (or more) than some people’s engagement rings, I guaran-damn-tee you.
I think it’s just that the older I get, the more I realize that there’s a big difference between material objects that are just ornamental and material objects that can actually improve my life in some way. But that distinction is strictly subjective – who’s to say a ring doesn’t improve someone else’s life as much as, for instance, a thousand-dollar Dyson vacuum cleaner would improve mine?
Whoever guessed I’d get PRACTICAL in my old age?!
also, stupid me, I just realized your title for the post was from “Santa Baby”. At least, I guess that’s where you got it?
Hahaha! Yep. I’d say 90% of all Bachelor Girl post titles are song lyrics.
They’re my weakness.
It’s Brazilian tradition for a mother to give her oldest daughter a diamond ring on the girl’s 15th birthday. If the mother herself was an only child or oldest daughter, she’ll actually pass that ring down instead of buying a new one.
My sister turned 15 and got my mother’s ring.
A year and a half later, I turned 15… and my mother told my father that he damn well better pay for me to get a diamond ring, too!
So… I always said that I didn’t want an engagement ring; I just wanted some guy to propose using that ring my late mother got me (slightly enlarged; my fingers have sadly not stayed as sweet as the memory of my mother).
Of course, then I ended up marrying a guy and using mood-color-changing rings we found in a toy shop… but we’re getting divorced, so I think I should have stuck to my guns and waited for a guy who’d pay attention to the stories I tell about my mother.
1. You’re an awesome writer, Tessa! If you don’t already have a blog, you need one!
2. Me likey Brazilian traditions!
3. Your mom sounds like she was my kind of woman.
4. May you get everything you want (and need) next time
I’m with you! But in my mind… Keep the rings and the wedding… I’ll just take the cash! Haha but seriously I like funky and simple. Just a interesting band is good for me!
HAHA! I’m with you – cash makes a great gift, it’s forever in style and it’s always the right size!
It’s funny, I vacillate on this topic depending on the day.
While I don’t want the 25 carat ring a woman in my town has (yes, no kidding….I’ve never seen anything bigger that wasn’t encased in glass at a museum), but I do want something that’s a good size….which is certainly individual for everyone.
To me, “good sized” is two carats. But frankly, I’d be more than happy with the mass produced version of Gwenyth Paltrow’s ring from A Perfect Murder, which is absolutely beautiful and understated.
But no, it doesn’t mean a relationship is better by ANY means. My idiot Ex Husband gave me a two carat ring, and he’s a complete moron.
Ann, if ever a woman deserved a big honkin’ diamond, it’s you!
“Diamonds… that’ll shut her up.” – Ron White
“Unless she’s Kel…then it just makes her talk MORE, dammit.”
People trying to sell you diamonds, and competitive women, have turned wedding rings/engagement rings into a contest. “Mine’s bigger, he spent on me, he LOVES ME MORE”. It’s insane and I don’t understand it. The practices of the diamond industry are enough to turn most people off, and so is the blatant materialism and conspicuous consumption. But you know how some chicks can be, no matter what they know. I’m in favor of alternate gemstones, stoneless rings, or reusing stones already purchased. Any you know, people can’t tell a CZ from the real thing anyway.
You know, this part is so true:
“people can’t tell a CZ from the real thing anyway”
I actually love my ring because it has some color to it. It absolutely bedazzles with a gorgeous yellow tint in bright sunlight. Some of those women would say it’s not “colorless” enough, but I think too colorless is, like Kel said earlier, just plain glass.
It’ll be interesting to see what happens to the cost of diamonds now that black, yellow, and other colors of diamonds are becoming increasingly popular.
I heard the most horrifying story the other day:
So this guy saves his money and buys his girlfriend a $12,000 diamond engagement ring. He proposes and, of course, she wears it to work the next day.
That night, she comes home and tells him that she will be needing a BIGGER ring because so-and-so-at-the-office’s ring is bigger than hers.
If I were that guy, I’d probably be in jail right now for murder.
[...] –I don’t care for diamonds. [...]