Actually, since we’re talking about Chihuahua here, I should probably rephrase that to say, “A cold nose, a cold heart, a walnut-sized brain and a tiny bladder.”
Usually, I take Chihuahua to stay with my parents on Sunday night so I can have people over for Sunday Dinner without our eardrums bleeding. Chihuahua’s also a pathological food-thief. She once stole food from a baby. FROM A BABY. What kind of a low-life steals food FROM A BABY?
My dad is never happy about this. To say that he and Chihuahua don’t get along would be the understatement of the decade. So he’ll use any method of manipulation at his disposal to keep from having to spend the night with my dog in his house. For instance:
Dad: You know, as a marketing expert, I think it’s unwise to exclude Chihuahua from Sunday Dinner. She is, after all, part of the Bachelor Girl brand.
Kelly: I’m a brand?! Really?! Aw, Daddy, I always wanted…
Dad: Yes. So I think you should take this dog out of my house, put it in your car and drive it home very, very fast before you damage your brand irreparably.
Kelly: …
Dad: Besides, it smells. What do you feed that thing?
Chihuahua say, “Mean Lady verbally abuse Chihuahua. People stop f–king around on Facebook and start call ASPCA. Also police. Chihuahua watch Law & Order. Chihuahua know about victims rights. Chihuahua no have to live this way. Chihuahua empower Chihuahua now, like Detective Benson say. Chihuahua bet Detective Benson have hotdogs in food box. Mean Lady too cheap and stupid to buy hotdogs for Chihuahua. She buy Ball Park Franks. Chihuahua like Hebrew National. Chihuahua like Chihuahua hotdogs answer to higher authority.”
Don’t let Chihuahua fool you into thinking she’s some kind of canine gourmand, though. She’ll eat almost anything. For instance:
1. Basket, 1***
2. Cigarettes, 2***
3. Cough drops, several
4. Twine, many yards
5. Marijuana (suspected though never proven conclusively)
6. College textbooks, hundreds of dollars worth
7. Birth control devices, various
8. Thong underwear, enough to fill a display at Victoria’s Secret
9. Feminine hygiene products, various***
10. Shoes, 2
11. Baby food (see above)
12. McDonald’s medium chocolate milkshake, 1/2
13. Crayon, green
14. Glitter Chapstick, 1
15. Tinsel, sufficient to decorate a small Christmas tree
16. Christmas tree skirt, 1
17. Christmas tree stocking, 1
18. Christmas ornament, partial (Cruella de Vil has lived as an amputee since ‘01)
19. Paper products (toilet paper, Kleenex, paper towels, etc.), innumerable
20. French onion dip, 1 container
***Denotes a middle-of-the-night, multiple-hundred-dollar trip to the emergency veterinary clinic.
And y’all, those are just the items I could rattle off the top of my head in a couple minutes or so. Every roommate or overnight guest I’ve ever had has lost at least one much-needed, usually very expensive possession to Chihuahua’s gluttony and compulsion to chew.
Although frankly, I don’t know where the chewing instinct comes from. She basically has no instincts. We’re talking about an animal that grows fur in the summer and sheds in the winter according to the air conditioning and heating cycles.
Chihuahua say, “Chihuahua is mighty hunter. Mean Lady not know what she talking about AS USUAL. Chihuahua watch Discovery Channel. Chihuahua know about Chihuahua ancestors. Chihuahua is wolf. Chihuahua howl at moon. Chihuahua kill bison for Chihuahua dinner. Chihuahua…What you say of dinner? Chihuahua be right back. Chihuahua hear can opener. YES YES YES CHIHUAHUA WANT CAN GIVE CAN TO CHIHUAHUA DELICIOUS CAN OH CAN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH…”
See?
And bedtime…oh, sweet Lord Jesus Christ, bedtime. Bedtime is not a time of rest in this household. Oh, no. Bedtime is more like OMFG SNUGGLE SNUGGLE WE’RE GONNA SNUGGLE CHIHUAHUA WANT SNUGGLE GIVE SNUGGLE TO CHIHUAHUA.
An overview of our bedtime routine:
12:00 a.m.
Mean Lady: OK, Chihuahua! Bedtime!
Chihuahua: Chihuahua must eat all Chihuahua can hold. Mean Lady might die in sleep and then no one to feed Chihuahua. Chihuahua eat Mean Lady face off if Chihuahua have to, but Chihuahua pretty sure Mean Lady tough and gamey.
12:00 – 12:05 a.m.
Mean Lady: CHIHUAHUA. Eating time is over. Sleeping time has begun. Come on.
Chihuahua: Chihuahua wish someone say that to Mean Lady. Then Mean Lady not do 30 Day Shred in living room, disturb Chihuahua rest.
12:05 – 12:10 a.m.
Chihuahua: [Hides behind sofa after stuffing her cheeks full of food like a hamster. Say it with me now: COMPLETE ABSENCE OF CANINE INSTINCTS.]
Mean Lady: [Pulls sofa out from wall, crawls behind it like she's going spelunking, grabs Chihuahua by the tail and pulls her out.]
Chihuahua: [RAGE. EXTREME RAGE AND INDIGNATION.]
Mean Lady: [Carries Chihuahua to bedroom like tiny prisoner of war.]
Chihuahua: [Rage.]
12:10 – 12:15 a.m.
Mean Lady: [Turns down bed.]
Chihuahua: KILL THE CAT KILL THE CAT MUST KILL THE CAT IS INVADER OMFG WE’S BEIN’ INVADED BY THE CAT KILL KILL
Mean Lady: [Regrets decision to become pet owner. Thwarts Chihuahua's attempt to Kill the Cat.]
Chihuahua: [Exhausted from the Battle of Winnifred, drinks all the water in Winnifred's dish.]
Mean Lady: [Refills Winnifred's dish. Shakes fist in general direction of heavens.]
12:15 – 12:20 a.m.
Mean Lady: [Slips into bed between crisp sheets. Gets comfortable. Sighs contentedly.]
Chihuahua: SNUUUUUGLE!!1!
Mean Lady: [Wishes someone would kill her.]
Chihuahua: [Runs circles around bed like rabid Chihuahua.]
Mean Lady: [Gets out of nice, warm, comfortable bed. Grabs at Chihuahua like a 10-year-old in a greased-pig contest.* Manages to wrangle Chihuahua into bed. Stuffs her under covers and holds them down to prevent escape.]
Chihuahua: [Rage.]
*Katie Ett is likely the only person who will understand this reference.
12:20 – 12:25 a.m.
Chihuahua: [Tries to decide on which side of the bed she would like to sleep. Trots back and forth over Mean Lady's body like the Billy Goats Gruff or some s--t.]
Mean Lady: [Contemplates suicide. Ultimately decides against it, as she would not like to be found three days from now with her face chewed off and a surprisingly well-fed Chihuahua next to her body.]
Chihuahua: [Still deciding!]
Mean Lady: [Rage.]
12:25 a.m.
Chihuahua: [Makes a decision.]
Mean Lady: [Praises Jesus.]
Chihuahua: [Snuggles next to Mean Lady's hip. Immediately begins to snore and/or pass gas.]
Mean Lady: [Takes what she can get. Slides happily into warm, dark sleep.]
12:45 a.m.
Chihuahua: Chihuahua have to pee.
Mean Lady: [Rage.]
But you know, as much as I rag on her, Chihuahua’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had. Sure, she’s cranky, loud, gassy and ill-mannered, but every group of friends needs one of those, don’t you think? And for all her faults, Chihuahua is one of the most highly adaptable creatures I’ve ever met. She’s happy anywhere in the world so long as Mean Lady is there, and I feel exactly the same way about her.
Except at 12:45 in the morning.
Your beleaguered
Kel
I am shocked- SHOCKED- that you would disparage my adopted god-dog so! She was a genteel southern lady the times she stayed with me… Well, except for the crawling under the covers and licking my toes thing…
Anyway, I can’t imagine Kel without Chi… The Christmas card pics of her alone are worth a million!
Well, and you forgot about all the times she tried to French kiss you…
Chihuahua say, “Aunt Jennifer come and rescue Chihuahua. Take Chihuahua to Florida for to see Mickey Mouse, eat oranges, get suntan on Chihuahua head. Mean Lady put lotion on Chihuahua when Chihuahua just want to lay in sun. Says is for Chihuahua ‘liver spots.’ Is so ew.”
Swell Nathan is not what you would call a “dog person.”
I bet Sylvester, Cody and Miss Lucky Kitty aren’t either.
You know, oftentimes in the middle of the night at Tracey’s house, her cats like to drop themselves behind the couch that I sleep on when I visit and them meow and meow for me to lift them out like she does. But I never do.
I have never greased a pig nor tipped a cow, just for the record. I also like butts in my hot dogs.
I take full responsibility for Chihuahua’s actions. If I had not spoiled her so in her formative years, she might not be the wee, sharp-toothed, ravenous dictator we know today.
YAY! I love Chi posts. And the visual of this: “Chihuahua kill bison for Chihuahua dinner” set me giggling like a maniac. I’m sure my co-workers appreciate my shrieks of laughter. Love that Chi. In fact, I think that will be the inspiration for a future masthead.
Chihuahua pees every time she hears my father’s voice. Imagine what she’d do if she saw an actual buffalo.
Your dog speaks L33T speak…
OMFG – even my usb yard squirrells dont know that one.
Oh, yes. Chihuahua-Speak is practically a second language to longtime BG readers.
OMFG! I SOOO needed this post today (see today’s post for how my day started). Thank you so much for posting this! I love Chi posts. I love the “[Rage]” lines. that is freakin’ hilarious. You should do stand-up comedy… and take Chi with you! SO funny.
Make that “That”… sigh
I would, but she’d pee, and we both know it.
Hope your day gets better, doll!
Very cute post!
Speaking of chihuahuas who like to pilfer things, my dad had one named Sophie when he was a senior in high school and my granddaddy was deployed to Vietnam. My grandmother would leave letters from him addressed to my dad on his bed and they’d go missing. They’d always find them in Sophie’s bed. Finally, my granddaddy got the idea to write her name on a piece of paper and sleep with it in his shirt pocket for a couple of days before mailing it. Then Sophie would get her own letter, which Grandmother would put in her bed. Problem solved.
Mer, that is so sweet I think I need an insulin shot now.
They’re little terrorists, it’s true, but Chihuahuas do love their special people.
Oh Chi-Chi-Chihuahua…I do miss your odd little ways.
So how many of YOUR possessions did Chihuahua eat, Oh Former Roommate of Mine?
OMG – I literally laughed out loud at this post. That was awesome!
Aw, thanks, Ann! Chihuahua say, “Chihuahua aim to please. Now you give hotdog to Chihuahua?”
IF MEAN LADY GAVE MORE HOTDOGS, CHIHUAHUA WOULD EAT LESS UNDERGARMENTS. NOT HARD CONCEPT.
Mean lady not understand “consequences”.
You just said a mouthful there, sister woman.
Brain has formed disturbing correlation between thong panties and beef franks…THANKS, DUDE.
If mean lady gave more hotdogs, chihuahua would be size of bowling ball. Not good for Chihuahua’s feminine figure.
Hahahahahahahaha. Imagining this happening every night is killing me. Favorite is between 12:10-12:15 “Shakes fist in general direction of heavens.” Priceless.
Every night, Bea. EVERY. GOD-BLESSED. NIGHT. For almost 10 years now.
Really, is it any wonder I’m disturbed?